Friday, September 16, 2016

Potato Salad, Mason Jars, Pallet Wood, and Monkeys

This past weekend, I was putting together potato salad in preparation for having some folks over. I had boiled the potatoes and the eggs, chopped up the celery and onion. As I was stirring in the mayo and mustard, I looked at the plastic bowl I was using. "Ok," I thought, "This is good for mixing, but what do I have that I can actually SERVE this in?"

And then I thought, "Are you fricking kidding? This is an outdoor event, just refrigerate this bowl and then carry it outside at the appropriate time."

Then the other part of my brain went, "But this bowl isn't cute enough!"

The rational side of my brain then took that woman who lives in my head and wants everything "just so," shook her by the shoulders, slapped her across the face, and yelled in her ear "knock this crap off! This should be easy. EASY. Make good food. Feed it to people. Enjoy having people to your house."

And that, was my mantra for the weekend.

(Ok confession: I ran out of mayo and supplemented with tartar sauce. Don't judge me, it was the cheap store-brand tartar sauce that is mostly mayo anyway.)

I like pretty things and parties and doing things mostly DIY but I can suck at it. I like creating, and having nice stuff, and seeing the product of my work. But really, I need to recognize that I need to Knock That Crap Off sometimes, and recognize that if people are truly my friends, they aren't going to care if the potato salad is in a plastic mixing bowl or a glass tureen artfully decorated with a burlap ribbon. With tartar sauce.

Also, this shabby chic has gotten out of control. WHEN did people start finding Mason jars so amazing? Seriously, when I was growing up, my grandparents used Mason jars all the time, for exactly two things: canning pickles, and storing nails for reuse. Depression-era people would have NO TIME for this Mason jar obsession with the chalk-paint and rafiki ribbon, signature drinks being sipped out of them, and whatnot.

Yes, I know Rafiki is that monkey in Lion King, but I am not a parent nor a Pintrester, so I am not actually responsible for knowing cartoon character names, nor the real name for whatever that ribbon is really called. Wait, Rafiki isn't a monkey? Whatever, I haven't seen that movie since it was in the theatre, and I was age-appropriate for it.

And, since this is obviously turning into a full-on rant, I am just going to go ahead and call BS on just about every DIY "look what you can do" video currently clogging my newsfeed on Facebook. I mean SERIOUSLY people. The M&M cake in 30 seconds? B.S. I don't care if you have red-colored chocolate you melted in the microwave and painted over the top of a balloon. There is no way you successfully froze the chocolate/balloon creation, popped the balloon, filled the shell and hollowed-out chocolate cake with actual M&Ms and mounted said half-circle-red-chocolate-creation onto the cake, then created freaking FONDANT M's to apply to the red thing. At least not in one go, and without significant swearing and probably alcohol. Unless you were a professional and went to Fancy Cake School, in which case you probably wouldn't be posting DIY videos, you'd be selling those suckers to the rest of us who live in reality.

Also, did you see the video about turning a claw-foot bath tub into an entry-way bench? First, WHY? Second, umm, no. Third, if you needed a hallway bench, why did you just go to Sofa Mart, or Kohl's or look up Joss and Main, or Wayfair or wherever, and BUY ONE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE? I mean, in some ways I appreciate your ingenuity, but there is no way you spent less money doing it yourself, I am confident that despite the 45 second video it took you 3 months, and really, it still looks like a bathtub, except now it's in your front hall.

The bar has been set to a level NO ONE is getting to. Even in Pintrest-inspired knee high boots and cute skirts with complementary Mobius-scarf. Time for reality!

We have several home projects coming up, including, but not limited to, a pallet wood accent wall in the master bedroom that I'm a little obsessed with having. But let me make a pledge to you, right here, right now. I am not, NOT, going to make a DIY "yay fun" video about this wall. I've read multiple blogs about pallet walls, and despite their advice, I can already tell you: this is NOT a weekend project. I'm already a couple of months into this sucker and there isn't even ONE board on that wall as yet.

Let me make another pledge: I am not going to call something "easy" when it isn't. I am going to be honest about the amount of work this crap takes, how many trips to Home Depot (assume at least three for every project), how many impromptu runs around the block because I'm seething mad, and how many bottles of wine (which will not be drunk out of Mason jars) these projects require to accomplish.

It's the least I can do. Now someone get me a bottle open and a hammer! Anyone want potato salad?

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