Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Breaking Up with Bono

Dear Bono,


I think we can both agree that I have been very loyal in this relationship. I've followed your work. I've supported your causes. We've been in this together, right? I mean, I even followed you across the globe this summer.


So, it pains me to say this, but, we need a break. And...


It's not me.


It's U2.


I've tried. I really have. But you just haven't kept up your end of the bargain.


When you announced that you weren't releasing your new album, but you were rolling out a redux of your 30 year-old work, I went along. I mean, I missed it the first time around, and that was really your prime! So, we booked tickets and took the chances that you would be hot in your hometown, and went.


When you then announced the new album, I waited.


When you announced the new tour before you released the album, I trusted you that it would be good.


When you said that Verified Tickets was the way to "ensure fans got tickets" and the scalpers wouldn't, I thought you had my best interest in mind. So I made sure to link my U2 account with my Ticketmaster account, and sign up for text messages from each.


Then you announced that your tour was "powered by Salesforce." Ok... but you don't have anything to do with customer relationship software.


Then you responded to the Rohinga crisis in Burma by sending a letter to the UN, but not saying much about your buddy, Aung San Suu Kyi, other than you "had a phone call in" to her. I'm sorry, there's a humanitarian crisis in her country. The one she leads. The same person you advocated publicly for her release when she was under house arrest, claiming that was a human rights crisis.


Then you said that I was in the "lower" group of subscribers, even though I've been paying for a subscription to U2.com and the "subscriber gift" for the last two years has been records. I don't own a record player. And you haven't sent me this year's gift yet even though I renewed in January.


Then, last night, you sent me an email. You told me that I could purchase just two tickets in presale. For the I+e tour, and the Joshua Tree, I could buy four tickets each presale. Why just two now?


This morning, I got your text. You gave me the link to the presale and my login code. I followed your instructions, got my credit card ready, opened the link, and was ready to go. At exactly 11am my time, you started the presale. I was there. I jumped and clicked on tickets. I tried to buy GA tickets.


"None available."


Oh, ok.


I clicked on lower bowl tickets.


I clicked and clicked.


"Sorry we could not process your request. Please try again later."


What? But it's presale and I'm "verified."


Try again.


Try upper bowl.


Try clicking on literally anything.


"Sorry, you are leaving a single ticket outstanding. Please select another section where at least two tickets are left together."


Wait? You won't let me buy the seats I want to, because someone else might be out a seat together with someone else? But there are an odd number of seats in that row and you will only let me (and I assume everyone else) buy two... and that's an even number!


At the end of the day, I turned over the ticket search to Eric, who was only able to find back-of-the-stage tickets, for a ridiculous price each.


To watch the back of your head?


I just can't do it.


I need a break. We need a break. I'm not getting what I need, nay, what I've PAID for, in this relationship.


I know. I'm loyal. There's a good chance I will come crawling back (especially if you schedule a concert in Denver). But I need some "me time." Time without your self-righteousness marred by gross capitalism. Time without your campaigns and your guilt for not buying one more (Red) item. I don't look good in red, not that you've ever considered that. Time without you assuming that I will love your new album, well in advance if you releasing it. Maybe even time to explore some new music, by bands that haven't opened for you.


But until then, if the choice is with or without you...


I choose, without you.

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